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The Thorn

8 April 2012, 8:05 pm

   The voice on the other end of the phone a few weeks ago, said to me “you’re Peter.”

I really have no idea of how I came to this place in my life. I mean, I know HOW I got here but I don’t at the same time.

Three weeks ago, I had never heard of The Thorn. I had only considered acting as a half-hearted fanciful idea, but one thing I have learned is that God does wonderous things.

In the beginning of this journey, I prayed that God would reveal himself to me, which he did in a most profound way. After a few weeks, I prayed that he would stay close and apparent to me so that I would know that I this was real, and he did, by leading to me some people that I have come to love and respect and admire. People that I never would have seen myself associating with, previously, have become incredible friends.

As I’ve become more aware of the fact that I am living in God’s reality, I have prayed that God would use me as an example to others, proving that this is not a dream or a fairytale. That people would see that someone who lived a dark and desolate existence could be filled with the Holy Spirit and be transformed into a creature of hope.

Growing up in a Church, I had heard the story of how Peter had Betrayed Jesus
   When I had volunteered to help with the Easter presentation at Riverside, I was thinking production, not performing, but our incredible director Audrey didn’t ask, but told me I will be Peter and a few days later I had a copy of my script. It’s been an amazing couple of weeks, but it all came together this weekend as we presented our version of The Thorn. I was not prepared for the impact of this event in my life.

Even at rehearsals, I wasn’t completely ready for what happened in this Church that I love so much. Friday night, I watched the Passion of The Christ and seeing, really, not on the screen, but in my heart, the agony and suffering that Jesus endured, willingly, knowingly, to provide this opportunity that I’ve been given and to each and every person that come after him was just overwhelming and for the first time I understood, really understood, what Easter meant. And I felt completely unworthy and undeserving of any of this and all I could do was clutch my Bible, fall to my knees and thank God for this precious gift.

Last night, opening night, if you will, as the band played, I was really in awe of how beautiful this whole thing is. As my turn to walk out on stage and deliver my lines came, I wasn’t at all nervous, but just… really happy that I was here. As I came towards the end of my lines, applause rang out, catching me off guard, but bringing a smile to my face. Afterwards, in the concourse, the reality began to show itself as people approached me to tell me that I had inspired them, or touched them, or brought them to tears. What an amazing compliment to see in their eyes that they had been moved…. by me! Praise God!

The Prodigal Son who came home
   The early show this morning, I was restless and a little worried that I couldn’t connect like I had last night but as the show started and the band played, I stood in the eaves of Stage Left and cried at the raw beauty of what we were doing. I was overcome. If anyone on that stage had looked to the left, they would have certainly seen the tears streaming down my cheeks and the smile as I sang out with them, thanking God, Thanking Jesus with hands held high. The Spirit of God was with me this morning. I truly believe, as my scene arrived, that I was still shaken up and my delivery was, to me, less than convincing but afterwards, the same type of replies from the people I met outside. God is so great!

The final show, was where it all came together. The audience was very much alive for this show right from the start and all of us backstage could feel it.  As each scene went by, I felt like this was going to be special. Just before the lights went down, I was in front of the stage, and I heard my name. Turning, I saw an old friend of mine, Shane, who is ironically an actor, and as I found out, in the same place I was. Ascending from the hell he had been in for some years. I was blown away and moved at the same time. I found out recently that Shane is coming to work at my company soon and here he was, in the flesh. The guy I mentioned to my fellow cast-mates, telling me that he had seen my testimonial and was, himself, walking the same road as me.

I was close to Jesus.
The band, again, had me in it’s grip as I was taken away and filled with raw emotion. The show went by fast and as I walked out on stage, I was captured for a moment by the other actors and how the light shown on them and the sheer beauty of that moment, and as I started to speak, I could feel the audience tuned in to me. Every word came out in a way I could have only hoped for and as I said the line about the Prodigal Son coming home, I heard someone say “thank You God”, and someone else said Amen, and the people watching broke into enthusiastic applause. I think I blushed.

I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do with me next.
As I turned and walked off stage to more hands clapping, I passed Pastor John King and winked. I was home and this one moment in time, I prayed would never end.

Happy Easter
Jesus has risen!!

 

Filed under God, Life, Love.
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Fellowship

25 March 2012, 5:11 pm

A brief story of how Kevster & I found our way into  God’s kingdom

 

Filed under 2012, Friends, God, midlife, Uncategorized.
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What If….

22 February 2012, 7:13 am

Pretend there is no God.

What if I had gotten so low, so lost and so depressed that I truly wished for death and and truly gave up on life completely to the point the subconsciously my survival instincts kicked in, created this scenario in my mind of God revealing himself to me which caused me to fool myself into joining a delusion shared by millions of people all over the world and from that I’m happier, feel better about myself, love people more, study one of the greatest philosophical books every written and become a member of a large community all affected in the same way by the same delusion.

A delusion so grandiose, that it’s motivating people all over the world to live similar lives, reaching out to people in their communities, making sacrifices for those in need, providing shelter, comfort, and the tools that can help people live better lives. Even people that aren’t under this same spell.

And over the course of my own life I continue to grow and shed the darkness that had embraced my life up to that point and I learn to worship and praise the Lord that my “delusions” are centered around.

Is that a bad thing? Doesn’t the end justify the means?
Isn’t that better than putting any negative effort at all into convincing people that are living the same way how wrong they are?

And, if you subscribe to any type of life after death theory, in so doing, I create a personal “heaven” based on the life I lived after this event?

Compared to the people I know that aren’t believers, that criticize all of this, that put energy into telling believers how wrong they are that could be better spent in many other areas, that are themselves, in many cases, shrouded in the same gloomy darkness that I and others have been in, that would rather cling to nothing rather than to something that offers hope and salvation, that would rather prove how wrong we are over how we right we could be, what are we as believers doing wrong again?

Filed under God, Life, Love, Motivation, Philosophy.
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Baptism

19 February 2012, 8:57 pm

February 12th I was baptised at Riverside Community Church. Awesome day!

Here’s the testimony video. I’m the 3rd person

Filed under Uncategorized.
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The War

6 February 2012, 11:44 pm

You know, being a Christian, especially a new Christian, seems like to some it’s a simple as saying “I Believe” and then living a life as outlined in the Bible, and just like that you’re saved.

Like it’s pouring powder in a glass of milk, taking a drink and boom! you’re a Christian.

It’s not that easy. It’s actually quite difficult. Just to make this simple, you can equate God to whatever symbolically works for you. You can do the same with Satan.

For me, God is all there is; all there has ever been, all that there will be. God embodies all that is good. God is love.

Satan also embodies all that there has ever been. All that there is. Quite possibly all there will be for a very long time, but Satan is the darkness. Satan is hate.

Christ is the way. Christ is the beacon that leads you to God.

Let me tell you what happens, not when you decide to be a Christian, but when God makes himself known to you. When he opens your eyes, and fills your heart and hits you head on. From the moment you’re touched, your life turns upside down. Everything you’ve kept yourself wrapped up in is torn away. Your entire world is changed.

Oh, sure, it’s nice to hear all the other Christians congratulate you, and smile as they welcome you into the “family.” But in a way, it’s nice like that unfamiliar relative that you never saw before who wraps her arms around you and tells you how wonderful it is to see you. It’s uncomfortable.

Knowing you have to bare yourself and not just say you’re sorry, but to actually feel repentance in your heart is one of the hardest things for a new Christian to do.

It’s uncomfortable because Satan has had you in his grip for a long time, and life in Satan’s hands is comfortable, even in it’s ugliness and/or is false sense of security, because Satan WANTS you to be comfortable and to be dependant on that familiarity.

As soon as you open your eyes and your heart to God, the struggle begins. The fight for your soul wages. Satan doesn’t want to lose you. He doesn’t just let go.

In your head, you know what you’re suppose to do, but Satan whispers in your ear, and tugs at your heart. That’s the temptation, because as much as we may strive to listen to our conciousness, it’s following our hearts that is the hardest to resist. And it is DAMN hard. All those old habits flash behind your eyes. Everything that made you feel good, or that you found an escape in, which turned you away from God even more, dances in your mind and beguiles you to take one more look, one more taste, one more dance. Temptation looks so sweet.

Temptation is a bitch. It’ll keep you awake at night.

This is why it’s imperative that you read scripture and that you find leaders that have fought that war that you can lean on, even though Satan never, ever stops whispering in your ear. Not for one minute.

Knowing you’re choosing to make a transformation in every aspect of your life can be terrifying. Believe me, I’m terrified every waking moment. I can feel the darkness I pulled myself out of, right at my heels. I can taste it.

For me now, the war is at it’s peak. Sunday, I’m getting Baptised. After that, it’s all in or all out. Satan knows this, too, and he’s upping the ante, big time. This is the test. I’m willing to bet that many of you couldn’t pass it, at this point in your lives. I’m quite sure at some point, you won’t have a choice.

Filed under God, Life, Love, Motivation.
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The Journey

1 February 2012, 9:11 pm

It’s always been difficult for me to remain humble. The slightest compliment was a perfect excuse to politely brush it off, then turn it around into a self-delivered, bold, pat on the back.

I’m finding it hard to not be humble over the course of the last month. People have been so quick to tell me how proud they are of me, and how my stories have inspired them, or touched them and as I politely say thank you, inside, I can feel the self-concious blush and the overwhelming humility I feel as I wonder,  ”why me”?
How can someone so small and so insignificant be an inspiration to anyone?

But the more I learn, the more I experience in my new Journey with Christ, the more I am assured that my experience is real. That… it’s not some self induced sense of being moved by great sermons -and they are great- but that the hand of God reached down and touched me. A life-changing touch more brief than the woman who touched Jesus cloak and was healed of her 12 years of bleeding, yet, like her, I was healed of a miserable lifetime of doubt and sin and living a self-serving life.

I am truly honored to know that even a little person like me can be welcomed into the Kingdom of God and stand beside his servants.

Tonight, Pastor King told me that I have blessed his heart. Me! I though I was invisible to the world, but I’m reminded over and over that I’m not invisible to the God that I turned my back on for most of my life, and to know that the same God I turned from has a place for me… Nothing else could be so great.

Lord, I am humiliated and ashamed of how I’ve lived my life,  and at how I’ve neglected you and turned away from you. I truly believe that I do not deserve your mercy or your grace, and I pray that you can continue to use me, not just as an example, but in anyway that you see fit. I serve you, my Lord, and by the grace of your beloved son, Jesus, I pray that you will continue to guide my life, which I put in your hands.

Amen

Filed under God, Life, Love, Motivation.
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Metamorphosis (or, How I Found God)

11 January 2012, 11:19 pm

Is this what it feels like when the butterfly begins to emerge from the cocoon? Reborn, seeing the world, although vaguely familiar, through new eyes?? It defies my life-long, logic filled thought patterns.

Something is happening to me, and it’s so good, I’m almost afraid to let it carry me off. To cut to the chase, after searching, questioning and doubting for my entire life, I finally found, and felt God. It’s just that simple. I’m sure thoughts of every bad thing you’ve ever heard or thought about religion are storming through your head, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the purest examples of God. A sense of calm; so calm it’s making my head spin. Love. Not physical love, but just love for everything I see and everyone I know. I absolutely feel love for the people in my life, instead of the normal feelings if disdain I’ve always had. And direction. I feel like I’m well armed, instead of the feeling of defencelessness I’ve always had.

Kevin and Jim and their families have been very supportive of me, and have gently steered me in this direction. I’ve resisted, struggled, accepted at times and tried to see whatever it is that they see, without success. But this past Sunday, on a strong urge to go to Church, I truly believed God finally made his presence known to me. For the past months, I’ve spent a lot of time, curled up in a ball, feeling hopeless, lost, miserable; crying, no – sobbing – non stop sobbing, thinking it was on deaf ears. That whoever this God was, he wasn’t paying attention to me. He didn’t know or care about me.

I always hear that it happens when you are at your most vulnerable. When you are at the bottom of the pit, and death is looking like a comfort.

In Church Sunday, listening to the Pastor talk about Joseph and his murderous brothers, the pit he was cast into and how it relates to our lives, I suddenly, and unexpectedly felt like I was alone in that building. I truly could not sense the presence of the congregation behind me. And every word that came out of Pastor’s mouth, described me and my life perfectly. Not just described it, but it was me that he was talking about, and me he was talking to, and as I half muttered prayers under my breath, asking God to PLEASE just come to me, tears started streaming down my cheeks. I started to quiver, and felt displaced from the entire crowd of people and all I could hear was Pastor, describing how we put ourselves in similar pits; describing me to me; warning about Satan’s lies, and it all just happened. I wish I had the words to describe it, but afterwards, I felt like a different person. Like I was a blind man just getting sight for the first time in my life.

Now, I can’t get it out of me and I don’t want to. I actually wish that traumatic moment would happen to me again and again. Like a jolt, keeping me concious. Now, I’m not ready to grab a Bible and robe and walk the earth proclaiming God’s word. Hell, I don’t even know God’s word. But I do know his presence. That I am positively sure of and that God made that presence known to me, in the front row at Riverside Church this past Sunday.

Could anything in life be as good as that?

Well, I did meet a girl that I am just head over heels about, and I don’t even know her yet, but it just feels right. A woman that is walking the same direction I am, shedding a similar past.

The hell with logic. Following my heart seems like the way to go.

Filed under God, Life, Love, Motivation.
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Looking Back… Looking Ahead…

31 December 2011, 10:08 pm

In 1989, I met a girl named Renee on December 30th, and we spent the next four years in a relationship. On December 31st of that year, she took me to a party and we stopped at her friend’s house, where everyone was given a bottle of Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante. Tonight marks the 22nd consecutive New Years Eve that I’m breaking open a bottle of Asti. Last year, I bought 2 bottles, in hopes that I would be celebrating yet another bad ending and an optimistic beginning. Tonight, I find myself in the same boat. Looking back at a bad year and ahead with optimism. But this year, more optimistic than hopeful.

This year ended just as it had begun; a 3 month stretch of not seeing the kids and the War Of The Roses, still Raging. I spent the year at the same hateful job, in the same overloaded position, the same low pay, everything the same. I struggled to pay bills and end this year behind on all of them, again. I struggle with untreated depression and aching loneliness and an overall empty feeling.

So, what’s different? Why does 2012 bring expectations instead of just wishful thinking?

Well, for one, I’m starting a new job next week. A little better pay. A lot better atmosphere. An appreciative boss and instead of filling the role of a manager, but not being recognized as one, I come to this new place in charge of my department.

I made some friends this year that I know have my best interests at heart. Friends that think about me when I’m not around, and I about them. People that are pulling for me. And praying for me. Which brings me to my most profound change in attitude. After years of lying to myself and anyone that would listen about how “spiritual” I am, with the help of my new friends, I’ve taken a step towards a God and a truly spiritual life. One step, the first of many, and I have my fears. Letting go is never easy for me. Trust is not easy for me. Belief in anything is not easy for me, but I’m looking and moving in the right direction.

There are still setbacks. My truck is in the shop with an 800.00 repair bill, but I have the kids this weekend. And Bridget actually started talking sensibly for a change.

So I take my first sip of this year’s Italian nectar and I toast you, Jim & Loni, Kevin, Chris & Cyd, Pastor and the people at the church and everyone else that’s had an impact on my life this year. Cheers. Salud!

Happy New Year and God, Bless each and every one.

Filed under 2011, 2012, family, Friends, Life, Motivation, Work.
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The Plantation

1 December 2011, 7:10 pm

The company I work for does not provide a real viable service or product to the world. We’re not creating new technologies. We’re not offering anything that people can take advantage of to better their lives. We don’t reasonably mass produce anything that anyone in general can use or has a fair chance of ever seeing. If we disappeared off the planet, no one would suffer the loss. Not one client or potential client would be worse off if we were gone.

What we do is sell advertising on informative guides for various areas of the country to small business owners for a nominal fee. We are not contacted by anyone to produce these. We’re not contracted to produce them. Many do not have a single viable distribution point other than the rare occasion an area Chamber Of Commerce or public entity agrees to let us send them copies, for free, for them to have “on hand.” So far, sounds OK, right?

Here’s the catch. While we do put our hearts in the Graphics Department into the creation of these, we only send out 2 per advertiser. We send 10 to any distribution points that are set up. That means a complete project will see about 100 produced. Right now, I’m working on one for Oklahoma City and the surrounding area. Out of those 100 that get sent out, how many of the general public do you suppose is going to find one of these? Seriously?

The bottom line is that this company exists for one reason, and one reason only; To make money for my boss. That’s it. My company exists so he can make money. Now I don’t begrudge him for that. Fine, he found a niche. And believe me, he makes a LOT of money. I know there is a fair overhead, but picture one project with an average of 25 ads @ an average of 250.00 each. Not too shabby, huh?? Now picture a total of about 50 projects being sold at any given time. Pretty good money. We have a guy in “collections” pulling in about 4000 – 6000 bucks a week, plus people who randomly send in their payments. It’s a good business, especially if you can keep overhead low.

Here’s my issue. My boss is not making this money. He’s not calling advertisers. He’s not producing he products. Hell, he’s rarely even in the office. WE make that money for him. WE do the work that provides him the extremely nice life he has. It’s certainly not US making the money. Everyone that works there is broke, because he pays right at or just above minimum wage. I actually make more money than almost anyone, at a paltry 11.00 an hour.

Here’s my question. With all of this that I’ve said, is it REALLY necessary to be treated like bitches?? Is it REALLY necessary to be constantly talked down to, disrespected, and looked upon as if we’re just robotic zombies or slaves with no feelings or needs? Because that’s how it works there. Constantly under the threat of being sent home for the lightest infraction, like looking at your cell phone for ANY reason. Pay cut a dollar an hour for the week, for missing over 3 hours of work for ANY reason in that week. Bona fide’ excuses can only be used 2 times… a YEAR! NO paid holidays. NO insurance. NO paid vacations, and then a 21 year old spoiled brat of a Barbie Doll that thinks she’s entitled to act like she’s the queen, when the truth is, she couldn’t hold a candle to what most of us have experienced in our lives.

I may not have been the most successful person at anything I’ve done, but I’ll be damned if some little girl that’s young enough to be my daughter, that’s never been out of Peoria is going to use the tone of voice that she uses with us.

I can feel an explosion coming on, and it’s not going to be pretty.

Filed under Anger, Life, Stress, Work.
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Sixty Five Dollars – Expanded

20 November 2011, 7:59 am

Wow, some people think I’m on the verge of suicide, so I want to explain the previous post.

I Cant Pay My Bills
I barely break even on each of them and I’ve cut out as much dead weight as I can. I’m even trying to lure a 2nd room mate in here, but I’ll have to give up the bedroom that’s supposed to be for my kids, meaning them doing over-nights could be jeopardized.

I’m Not Healthy
In the spring, I started doing P90X and I was killing it; for about a month. I could really feel a transformation too, but then, it just stopped and I haven’t been able to start it up again. In the mean time,  I can’t afford to eat healthy, so I live on frozen dinners, frozen pizza and junk food, trying to keep my weekly shopping budget to what I can afford; approximately 40.00 a week.

I Can’t Find Any Motivation
And that’s the truth. I just can’t seem to do anything.

I Procrastinate To A Fault
See above.

I Hate How My House Looks.
It’s not a mess, but it’s not clean. I struggle to just put the laundry away. The belt broke on my vacuum, 3 months ago. I haven’t fixed it. I started remodelling the bathroom. Can’t seem to get up enough to finish it. I’d KILL to rearrange the living room, and I can’t take 5 minutes to figure out how.

I Don’t Have A Single lose Friend
I actually do have a few good friends. Chef Kevin and Kevster are at the top of that list, but it’s not like a best, life long friend that I see so many people have. I don’t. Not one.

I Don’t Know Love
This is a tough one. I meet women I’m interested in, and not one, not one is interested back. In fact, they seem turned off by the idea. And any that ARE interested in me, are usually the lowest common denominator. I feel like I must be the least attractive person on he planet. I can’t even stand how I look, when I see pictures of myself. I just feel like no one loves me. No one.

I Hate My Job & I Hate My Boss
Those go together. I LOVE the work I do, but I hate where I do it. My boss is so self-righteous, treats everyone like shit. Like he’s better than us. And he sits there and watches all of us struggle to get by, all of us, and will NOT lift a finger to give any of us a single dime more. On top of that., we don’t get paid vacations. We don’t get paid holidays (Which will kill most of us over the next 6 weeks), we don’t get insurance. Miss 3 hours in a week, and he takes a dollar an hour away for that week. 8 hours means 2 dollars an hour, or down to minimum wage for most of the people there. He only allows 2 excused instances of missing time a year. a YEAR! That means every time I go to court now or anything related to that, I lose an extra 40 bucks for the week, on top of the time missed. I can’t even afford to get sick.

I Hate Most Of My Co-workers
Most of the people I work with have been in and out of jail, battled addictions, and are the shadiest people you’d ever want to meet. Note, some of my co-workers, I really like.

I Hate My Neighbors
They’re all either loud, filthy, nosy or live in one of the three crack houses on the block.

I Can’t Build My Website.
I started one, to turn into a personal portal and portfolio for my work, but I’m lost on the design, and I can’t find the inspiration to get it finished.

I Hate Peoria
I just do. I just… do. I miss home so much. I can’t believe how home sick I am, and I can’t even afford to go visit.

I Can’t Find A Better Job
I have looked and looked and looked. Until I moved here, I never, one time, didn’t get a job that I tried for, and I need to go back to my part time job, but the district manager, who I got along with fine, never returns my calls.

I Haven’t Seen My Kids In Months
Bridget does this. She just arbitrarily stops letting me see them for extended periods, and gets away with it, every single time. My kids and I had this awesome bond, and she has made it her mission to drive wedge between us, and that just kills me. And no body takes her to task for it. No body. She just gets away with whatever she wants. Out of all the things I listed that I hate, none come close to how much I hate her. If she would just die, my life would improve, vastly. Somehow she made it through child birth. Maybe she’ll go back to drinking herself to death, if I’m lucky.

I’m In A Dark Place I Can’t Get Out Of. & I’m So Lost
I just feel lost. So lost and empty. And I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m So Lonely
I can’t even find the words to cover that one. I am, so lonely.

I Feel Like I’m Dying, Slowly
Sometimes, I lay here and I swear I can fell the life slowly draining out of me.

I Don’t Understand How I Got Here.
Not to be confused with I don’t know how I got here. I know how. I made some very wrong decisions, and it all started when I let myself get involved with my kids mother. My life was so good before that and continually just gotten worse and worse and worse since. What I don’t understand is why did do that? Why?? I NEVER made stupid decisions like that before. I’d NEVER have let myself get involved with someone as chaotic and out of control. What the fuck was I thinking? And how do I ever recover? How the hell do I get out of this crux I’m in?

I Cry, A lot.
That is an understatement. I cry all the time. I see a movie where people fall in love and I cry. I see people’s losses, and I cry. I look at the ruins that my life has become and I cry like a little kid. Sobbing, tears streaming down my face and I wish I could disappear and pull the my whole life in behind me as I go.

 

Filed under Anger, Bridget, family, heartbreak, kids, Life, Loss, Memories, midlife, Motivation, People, Peoria, Stress, Work, World.
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